jaci@hygieialife.co.uk

jaci@hygieialife.co.uk

Tag: resilience

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The Quitting Culture: Rethinking Success and the Shackles of Shame

Introduction

In a world that exalts unwavering determination and the relentless pursuit of success, we often find ourselves ensnared in a never-ending cycle of striving, even when it exacts a heavy toll on our well-being. Our society has meticulously programmed us to believe that quitting is synonymous with failure, and this deeply ingrained belief has profound implications for our mental and emotional health. In this article, we will explore the concept of the “quitting culture” and delve into the powerful role of shame in perpetuating a cycle where we court self-harm rather than choosing a healthier path.

“there’s nothing magical about perseverance, nor is there anything shameful about not persevering when you decide to make another choice”                               Julia Keller.

Shame: The Silent Enforcer

In our journey through life, we mustn’t underestimate the role of shame in making us tolerate toxic situations far longer than we should. Shame quietly whispers in our ears, reminding us that quitting is a mark of inadequacy or moral failing. This insidious emotion often drowns out our inner voices and compels us to persist in circumstances that harm us.

Shame latches onto our self-esteem, insinuating that we are somehow defective or unworthy if we consider quitting. It manipulates us into believing that the pain of staying is more bearable than the potential humiliation of admitting defeat and walking away.

The High Cost of Perseverance

We’ve all experienced those moments when we push ourselves far beyond our limits to attain a goal or complete a task. The whole concept of strapping on a fit-bit relies on us relishing pushing ourselves as far as we can.  However, what happens when we achieve our objectives through self-punishment? Does the end result truly shine as brilliantly as we once imagined it would? More often than not, the answer is a resounding no. Personal experiences, like compelling ourselves to slog through uninspiring homework or laborious professional pursuits, often leave us feeling unsatisfied, as if we’ve compromised our core values.

The Self-Help Trap

As we plunge deeper into the self-help realm, we stumble upon the prevailing notion that success hinges on the unwavering refusal to quit, regardless of the circumstances. Our society tends to castigate those who dare to quit as “lazy” or as individuals with a conspicuous character flaw.  Worse, we may decide for ourselves that we are intrinsically flawed; this is the foundation of shame.  For many of us, this belief has been woven into the fabric of our beings from a tender age, making it an arduous task to redefine our relationship with quitting.

Another problem with this rigid perspective is that it perceives quitting as synonymous with failure, and this mindset blinds us to the realities of an unjust world.

“holding up hard work as the  key to success allows us to maintain our belief in a just world and to rationalise inequality”.                                                        Adam Grant, Professor of Business Studies at the University of Pennsylvania, Wharton Business School

Not everyone starts on an even playing field, and external factors can exert substantial influence over our journey towards success. By doggedly insisting that hard work alone can conquer all impediments, we unwittingly perpetuate the illusion of a just world while turning a blind eye to systemic inequalities.

Embracing the Art of Quitting

Julia Keller, a professor from the University of Ohio (Watch Julia Keller’s recent Tedx talk) has spent a lot of her career examining the will or not to quit.  She uses the expression “precision quitting” to explain practicing quitting with a view to increasing our resilience in this area.  It is imperative that we challenge the quitting culture and dismantle the shackles of shame that bind us to harmful situations. Quitting should not be viewed as synonymous with failure, but rather as an act of self-compassion and wisdom. It is about recognizing when the pain of persevering exceeds the fear of quitting. It is a courageous act of self-preservation.

By practicing the art of quitting, we not only liberate ourselves but also create a more compassionate and understanding society. When we normalize the act of quitting for the sake of our well-being, we foster an environment where individuals are empowered to make decisions that align with their true selves.

Conclusion

In conclusion, the quitting culture is an opportunity for us to redefine success and emancipate ourselves from the stifling grip of shame. It is essential to understand that quitting is not always synonymous with failure. Instead, it can be a courageous act of self-preservation and a step towards personal growth and happiness.

   “There’s a difference between quitting and knowing when you’re beat.”,  Cormac McCarthy

Let us learn to discern that difference, confront the shame that holds us back, and embrace the art of quitting when it leads us towards a brighter and more authentic path.

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Rediscovering Personal Power: Navigating Life’s Challenges and Finding Meaning

Introduction:

Life often presents us with significant events that disrupt our path, leaving us in a space between worlds. That middle place where you embrace your grief and are trying to find a “new normal” – but before we realise that it’s in this transformative process that we gain a deeper understanding of ourselves.

The middle place helps us discover what truly supports us during difficult times, and shows us how to embrace the freedom to live authentically. These moments force us to pause, reevaluate, and rebuild our lives from the ground up. In this blog, we will explore the themes of fear, happiness, and meaning as we navigate the journey of self-discovery and personal empowerment.

 

Section 1: Embracing Fear and Seeking Meaning

During times of transition, fear often becomes a formidable challenge that demands our attention. Embracing fear with courage is essential, for it is through boldness that we conquer its grip. As renowned psychologist C.G. Jung aptly puts it, “Only boldness can deliver from fear.” By taking risks and embracing the unknown, we breathe life into the very essence of our existence. Without such audacity, life becomes stagnant, devoid of colour and vibrancy.

In the midst of this transformative process, I stumbled upon Dr. James Hollis’ book, “Living Between Worlds.” Although written prior to the pandemic, its timely publication during those transformative times adds a layer of synchronicity. Dr. Hollis explores the space between worlds, guiding us in rebuilding our lives after experiencing profound shifts. It is through this exploration that we begin to uncover our authentic selves and identify the sources of support that will accompany us on this journey. Dr. Hollis reminds us that true happiness is fleeting; what truly matters is infusing our lives with meaning.

 

Section 2: The Science of Motivation and Dopamine

Have you ever found yourself engrossed in a repetitive and unexciting task that initially seemed very tedious and unrewarding, only to realize that you derive satisfaction from the act of doing it well? Neuroscience sheds light on this phenomenon. The brain’s reward system, specifically the release of dopamine, plays a significant role in our motivation. Even in situations where the end result may not bring immediate joy, the act of engaging in the task itself can generate a sense of fulfilment.

Additionally, dopamine strengthens neural connections related to rewarding experiences, aiding in learning and memory formation. Understanding dopamine’s role can help us cultivate intrinsic motivation and create a positive environment to enhance our motivation and overall well-being.

As someone who trained in Neurolinguistic Programming (NLP) early in my career, I have intermittently followed scientific advancements in the field. Recently, I came across a Ted talk video called “Brain Hack: 6 Secrets to Learning Faster, Backed by Neuroscience ,”.  It’s interesting to understand the most effective ways to learn and why.  We’re better motivated to learn as small children because we need survival and social skills while we’re vulnerable and dependent on adults.  We lose this imperative as we get older, so these hacks are good.  The Ted talk also echoed the growing research I’d seen on Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACEs) and the impact of those on learning and memory.

In a related podcast titled “NEUROSCIENTIST – You’ll Never Lack Motivation Again” I discovered why life really is as hard as we think it is.   Not that life is meant to be punishing: this is just the physics of life.  What we learn from the neuroscience is that that by consciously transforming effort into an enjoyable experience, we gain greater control over our lives. These insights reminded me of the principles of the Law of Attraction, where envisioning and embodying our desires in vivid detail sets the stage for their manifestation. Although it may initially feel like self-deception, it is essential to understand our limits and allow the process to unfold naturally. Trust in the process is a fundamental aspect of attracting what we desire.

 

Conclusion:

In the midst of life-altering events, we find ourselves standing at the intersection of fear, happiness, and meaning. By embracing fear with courage, we unlock the potential for growth and transformation. Dr. James Hollis’ work guides us through the process of rebuilding our lives, discovering our authentic selves, and suggests how we may infuse our existence with meaning. Neuroscience provides valuable insights into motivation, highlighting the role of effort and dopamine in creating fulfilling experiences. As we navigate this journey, we must trust in the process and tap into our innate personal power. Remember, this is your road to traverse, and only you can.

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It’s Never Too Late to Eliminate Negativity

 

As we continue on our journeys through life’s ups and downs, at some point we’ll realise where our thoughts have stopped us in our tracks; sometimes it’s a writer’s block, sometimes procrastination or other ways of making excuses for doing what we know we ought to do but somehow don’t manage.   We’ve usually learned to do this at an early age in life, as we perceive we might displease a primary caregiver by wanting our own way about something.  As young people, we just want to get along and some behaviours carry over in to later years when we see that giving people what they want – at the expense of what we ourselves need – is just easier.  The price for this can be quite high though.

The work of Irene Lyon has been informing me for some time about how we deal with resistance – that feeling of just not wanting to get that thing done that we know we should really do.  She talks very knowledgeably about how to embrace resistance because this is really a part of our own body’s life force wanting to be acknowledged and recognised so that it can help us move forward.

More recently, I’ve come across the work of Shelly Lefkoe.  In this interview, she’s talking to Alex Ferrari on his Youtube channel about quickly making the emotions we attach to some of our beliefs less powerful.  If we change the emotion behind any action we’re more free to do what we know we want to do.  She talks about eliminating limiting beliefs all together and this doesn’t take very much time at all.

The way I would couch the work of these ladies is, Irene Lyon’s work might be ongoing and require attention as a regular practice, like a tune up.  With Shelly’s exercises, we can confront and adjust our beliefs as they come up.

The idea is that we have more and more of our own life force and feel freer in our lives.  It’s likely that this is really what our primary caregivers may have also wished for us when we were younger, but just didn’t know how to allow.

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Cultivating Hardiness, a life skill

 

 

A not-too-often-spoken-of stage of grieving is finding resilience or hardiness. You may be struck out of left field by a sudden event and need to find your way forward and at such times you will either have the knowledge you’ve done the work to be able to deal with this or you have to work it out in a hurry.  Of all the things I read about mental health issues, I don’t tend to bring them to my blogs, but there’s so little in the public domain about this and it is so useful.

I received the July 2022 newsletter from Self-Management of Depression outlining what is meant by hardiness, why it’s important and what it takes to cultivate these traits.

 

What is meant by hardiness?

Previously labelled as existential courage, hardiness is a pattern of attitudes and strategies that together facilitate turning stressful circumstances from potential disasters into growth opportunities.  It’s about knowing there’s going to be dark days and bright days in life, whether or not you are grieving a specific situation, and being ready, having the tools and developing the thicker skin required to get through that time.  It means that you understand your situation is temporary and this time will pass – and having a way to get through.

 

Why it’s important?

Research has been done (Bonanno, 2004; Kobasa et al., 1982) to show that it’s important to understand and build your hardiness in response to life’s ups and downs, to improve your general well-being.  Your confidence levels come up with the belief that life is essentially good, but into each life a little rain must occasionally fall.  You generally have better discipline in your life because you prioritise doing the things necessary for good self care (e.g., exercise, adequate rest, moderation in food, and substance intake).  Also, this research shows that people who have good resilience or hardiness are more likely to reach out, in times of stress, to other individuals or organisations.

There’s other research quoted (Rhodewalt & Zone, 1989) to show that people who do not have ways to cope experience symptoms of depression more frequently, they see life’s events that are not positive as much more catastrophic and they do not adjust well to life events – which is to say, they’re less flexible emotionally.  They tend to be more prone to burnout, stress and experience low well-being generally.

So we should be motivated to dig deep during times of stress or times of grieving to see if we can help ourselves.  Some grieving is good and expected, should not be avoided.  But the danger is staying in that situation for too long.

 

The 3Cs of Hardiness

Here’s the list of things it’s good to have to be hardy:

Commitment:

  • Have a sense of purpose (this might only be getting up in time for the regular school run)
  • Have well-defined and measurable goals (routines, are good)
  • Use growth mindset and self-compassion to overcome failures (be kind to oneself and expect to be sad sometimes)
  • Seek support, if needed, to deal with stressful events

Control:

  • Have an internal locus of control (routines are good)
  • Believe that you have a personal influence over events rather than feeling powerless (routines are good)
  • View stressful situations as normal everyday occurrences rather than something out of the ordinary
  • When in a stressful situation, focus on the small things that you can control
  • Break down the task into smaller parts that are easier to handle
  • Learn time management skills (routines are good)
  • Prevent scope creep

Challenge:

  • Turn challenges into growth opportunities (more efficient school run time?)
  • Be assertive and challenge the status quo, especially if the current processes are ineffective
  • Check if fear of failure or embarrassment is creating an obstacle to overcome a challenge
  • Recall previous challenges you have faced to remind yourself of your successes in the past
  • Be open to taking calculated risks
  • Use problem-solving instead of denial and avoidance as coping strategies
  • Have the cognitive flexibility to adapt and change goals, make new decisions, and set priorities

Do note that these assume we make this part of our daily lives and so do the maintenance before a stressful situation strikes.  That way, these become part of who we are, how we navigate the world.  I have noted where we don’t have to be talking about running a global organisation, we can apply this in our everyday lives.

REFERENCES
HARPREET S. DUGGAL, MD, FAPA Self-Management of Depression. July 2022

Bonanno, G. A. (2004). Loss, trauma, and human resilience: have we underestimated the human capacity to thrive after extremely aversive events? American Psychologist, 59(1), 20-28.

Rhodewalt, F., & Zone, J. B. (1989). Appraisal of life change, depression, and illness in hardy and nonhardy women. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 56(1), 81-88.